Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
as a side note pls kill me
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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