Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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