I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
