I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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