her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
