Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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