Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
