I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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