I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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