I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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