I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
