Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
this hospital has no fireball
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
