Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
