First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
