My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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