I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
