Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize