I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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