You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
