she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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