I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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