Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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