I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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