Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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