She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
