My sheets look like a crime scene.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize