Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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