i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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