As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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