im about as happy as oj after his trial
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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