Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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