I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
