and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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