I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
