I met the friendliest cop last night
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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