All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I intend to get homeless drunk
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
