nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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