party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
