You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
