So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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