your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
