just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize