I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
