you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
