So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
