Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
