I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
