i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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