Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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