I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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