The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
