I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
