Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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