I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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