I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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