At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize