I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
