So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We left an ass print on the piano.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize