My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
