I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
