Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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