uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
