I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
