I can't breathe out the right side of my face
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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