He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize