Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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