I want to walk on stilts...naked
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
