They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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