I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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