Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
