My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
