I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
