You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
