Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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