if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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