Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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