You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
