Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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