your like the ambassador to my penis.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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