allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
