They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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