When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
