I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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