Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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