then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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